:: A Catechumen's Walk ::

:: Saturday, December 16, 2006 ::

This n’ That

Finals are over! 7 classes, 19 units. Done! Woohoo! Only a week and a few days until Christmas…I’m flying out to California in a few hours, relaxing at my parents house, sleeping, going to church…the life of a student rocks!

I have a friend who is beginning to convert. I told him good luck, to pray a lot, and that it is really, really hard. I feel sorry for him: I think I feel sorry for most converts. He will probably become Roman Catholic, but he also may go East. I did warn him, however, that as a convert, he will always be an ‘outsider.’ No matter if he knows, embraces, and practices his faith in a fuller way then any ‘cradle,’ he will always have to settle for a suspicious eye or a second-class position. I don’t think he understood that, coming from a Protestant background. But I think he is starting to realize what a hard journey he has in front of him.

OCMC has applications for summer missions teams available online now. How crazy is it to want to be a missionary? I’ll apply for a spot on one of the teaching teams: hey, if I’ve been through it, I can teach it, right? Hopefully it’ll work out…

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 8:08 AM on Saturday, December 16, 2006 [+] ::

Icky Sin

Have you ever thrown up on yourself (or someone else!) in public? You know, in a nice situation, where you are sitting around, having a nice, normal conversation, and suddenly…! While never having personally shared in this experience, I have been in the presence of others who have. Of course, the person is embarrassed and apologizes most profusely, but no one else really holds it against him. Life goes on.

The other day, I had a similar experience. It was just as repulsive and it really grossed me out. In a rather mundane conversation, I heard myself start to boast and brag about my own achievements. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I was disgusted. I felt like I had just puked all over everyone in the car. It wasn’t over the specific content of the boast of what I had said, but over the fact that it was so obviously boastful and arrogant. I had the immediate reaction of wanting to apologize profusely, which of course, I suppressed. It was not just an ‘awkward moment’ when no one knows what to say: it was straight out embarrassment at the realization of my own ickiness. It was as if I had just shared my own particular ickiness with everyone else in the car, and they were now covered with it, too.

It wasn’t an issue of discussing whether or not it was a sin, asking forgiveness, or anything else theological. It was just a sudden repulsion to my own sin and embarrassment for making it so obvious to everyone…

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 6:38 PM on Tuesday, December 05, 2006 [+] ::

Those Who Have Ears…

On Monday, I had the privilege of hearing a homily that hit home. Hard.

While I probably remember my own reaction to it more then the words of the homily: the idea was that there are those (me, for example), who hear the words of truth and are too proud in her own opinions to allow those words to affect her life.

To learn requires humility --- especially if that learning is not the acquiring of new information, but the negation of previously learned information. For example in Dogmatics on Thursday, we went over the filioque. Anyone who has read this blog for any time knows my history with the doctrine: I like it. And so, I wasted my time in class. Words were floating in the air: logical, articulate, accurate words that would have helped me if I could have heard them. And yet, as I sat in class, I could not hear them. I would not admit I was wrong; moreover, even though I can intellectually admit, “I should change my view on this topic,” I am unable to allow myself to do so. I knew I should listen, but try as I might, I could not hear.

I wonder if any of the Pharisees had this problem. If any of them could get to the point where they knew that the words in the air came from the Word himself, but pride had become so habitual to them that they were unable to allow themselves to listen to the Truth. What did they do?

It is wrong: there is no doubt there, but I can’t even find a way to articulate the sin. Pride? Yes, but much more then that. Stiff-necked? That’s closer, but even that implies a deliberate choice about it. I know what I should do, and I even want to do it, but I am unable to do it. These things are contrary to each other, and so I do not do the things I wish to do; there is another law, namely my pride, within me, warring against the law of my mind --- who will deliver me from these things?

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 2:21 PM on Friday, December 01, 2006 [+] ::