:: A Catechumen's Walk ::

:: Monday, April 28, 2003 ::

Computer

I have one. Last night, I was not so sure. I though I had a virus, but I really didn’t. God is really cool. See, I was about to delete my entire computer, and re-install Win-XP (it came pre-installed on this laptop, so I use it despite itself). What happened was that it ate up my whole hard-drive. I had only a few gigs on the drive (which is 20GBs), then all of a sudden, I had no space on it, not even enough to shut-down properly. It was not good. So, I toyed with it for an hour or so last night, then gave up and went to bed. This morning, just as I was to delete it all, I defragged it one last time, and when it was complete, it said that it found a corrupt file of 12GBs. Duh! It turned out to be a First Class Report file, so I deleted all of First Class and reinstalled it. It worked! I have my computer back.
I guess I could look at this from the outside, and say that it was just a computer fluke that happened to fix itself. But God was involved. I mean, there are a few weeks left in the semester, and I didn’t need to loose all of my work. Also, the time and energy to delete and reinstall all of the programs…it would have been so much hassle. But, in His way, God worked it out. Yet another miracle, showing that God really cares about the small things in our lives that bug us…funny, and embarrassing, since I did not spend my normal morning devotion time this morning, as I was stressing about my computer…Yeah, God is really great. Praise His name, for He cares for us in many ways. Kyrie.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 1:25 PM on Monday, April 28, 2003 [+] ::

Thoughts
About church. I have a friend who reads and comments on this site. He says that as far as the church thing goes, I should love Jesus and worship God (*sorry if that is not an exact quotation, Jon). I tend to agree, but it is so much more than that. I really think there are right and wrong ways to worship God. Now before I dig myself into an inescapable hole, let me addemdum that with that I think most (if not all) people who claim today to be Christians, whether Protestant (few exceptions), Anglican (again, few exceptions), Roman Catholic (more exceptions), or Eastern Orthodox (currently, fewest exceptions) are in fact true Christians, saved, and going to heaven. These are my current views; you may debate them with me, but it is what I hold to be true for this week (what I am saying is that these are poorly researched, for the most part, and I am still developing truly educated views). Anyway, when I then look for a church, I am not necessarrily looking for somewhere where I can be saved; I am thus already. What I am looking for is the church which I believe to be closest to the Ancient Church. I believe there is one out there that is closer than all of the others, and I am searching for it. As far as Protestantism is concerned, I believe they are missing MANY of the benefits of Christianity while on this earth. There are mysteries (sacraments) that they are just glazing over, and missing. They are not damning anyone, but they are simply not living as Christians to the fullest benefit of the Kingdom, or of themselves. So, that is why I search churches, specifically the EO's and Anglicans, comparing and praying as I seek which one to permantly join. God bless, and I will pray for the readers of this.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 10:33 AM on Sunday, April 27, 2003 [+] ::

Wow. I just found the funniest site. It is called "religioustollerance.org," while it in fact promotes hate against Christians. It is just comical in its stupidity. Here are some great quotes from it:
It says St. Peter was intollerant: "Peter devalues all religious faith groups other than his own. He says that salvation is only available through Jesus." I wonder how St. Peter would have reacted to that one! Hahaha.
Another big problem of Christianity (specifically, the Bible) "Persons who reject the gospel will be condemned. At the final judgment after death, those who have heard the teachings of Jesus, and rejected them, will be condemned, presumably to Hell for all eternity." Really?! I wish more Christians would believe and act upon this one!
Finally, in his writing of the second epistle to the Corinthians, the writer of this site says of St. Paul that "He implies that non-Christians are automatically unrighteous." Wow. I wish I'd known this when I had read his epistles. Gee, I though all people were righteous; I mean, never mind that "there are none righteous, no not one." Wow. These guys are saying that Christians are blindly following a Bible and God that is prejudiced. It is really funny reading this site...(I do not link it here, however, because of the nature of the site, and the strong suspecion I have that links from it would lead to pages that are not edifying...Watch what you click on as far as their links...) God bless, happy Pascha, and have a wonderful Sunday!

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 10:25 AM on [+] ::

Miracle on the Road

Last post for today, I promise. OK, so I had another little miracle. I was driving down here for around 11 hours today (we stopped for a long time at one point), and as we were going down the 580, before we had hit the 5, we saw something in the road. It was bouncing, like a piece of rubber, about as high as our car. Then we saw it was a brick. Although the way it was bouncing, it looked as though it would come straight through the windshield at me (and I actually did duck and cover, expecting it to hit me). We were going about 75 MPH, and had that brick hit our windshield, I would not be here right now. By His Grace, that brick turned and hit us straight under the bumper on my side. At first, we though it popped the tire, but it just dented the bumper really well. Yeah, it was a miracle. God was watching. We praise Thee, we bless Thee, we worship Thee, we glorify Thee. We give thanks to Thee for Thy great glory, O Lord God, heavenly king. Glory to God Almighty!

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 10:17 PM on Saturday, April 26, 2003 [+] ::

Doubts Continue

So, I guess I didn’t do a sufficient job explaining myself in my last post about doubts. It sounds wimpy, or as though I no longer love my religion; it just sounds bad. So, I will say it briefly, and hopefully make it as clear as mud (*Truthfully, even I don’t understand my doubts thoroughly, but I am trying to wrestle with them)
So, the Episcopal church is liberal. Very liberal. And it tears at my soul; it brings me to tears as I see the beautiful, rich, glorious representation of Christ on this earth rent and bloodied by attacks from evil men who seek to drive her under. Really, my heart is at church unity; not “ecumenism” as far as it means compromised theology, warm-fuzzy “lets-ignore-that-heresy” attitudes, but true unity as far as it pertains to Christ’s bride. Anyway, back to the Episcopal Church. It is liberal. Here is where the crux of my argument really lies; Is it hopelessly liberal, or not? If it is hopeless, I should not be a catechumen in it; I am not referring to Blessed Sacrament, since it is not liberal, and shows no signs of becoming as such. I am just deeply disturbed by the church, and I am not sure if I, in good conscience can say that I would be proud to be a member of it. Again, let me say that I am proud to go to the church I attend, and have no problem with the theology; but the Communion in which it partakes is what scares me. I am not sure; Can I love the individual unit (Blessed Sacrament), and not love the Church (Episcopal Church), or am I actually loving the catholic Church (Universal Christian Church, Christ’s Bride)? As you can see, I have questions I need to sort out (or, if I ever found courage, ask a priest… ;-0)
I am reading, studying, and looking at the Orthodox Church. I am so in love with the sacramental nature of church; I can say it is what drew me from a dying Christian life to one where I can rejoice as I really am. But more on that later. Anyway, if I were an Orthodox catechumen then I could be entering a church were I wouldn’t have to worry about liberalism, in a Communion of which there are at least fewer blemishes and flaws. I am really torn on this issue…Pray for me, if you remember. Blessed Pascha.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 10:12 PM on [+] ::

Two Day’s posts in one

Last night I went to St Seraphim’s Russian Orthodox Church with Macrina and Christopher, two of Bree’s friends who live in Santa Rosa. I went for a Great and Holy Thursday service. It was very deep; like BS, they have a good sense of the “holy,” and exercise it. The only real problem I ran into (aside from that my candle was kind of gimpy) was that they cross themselves from left to right, and then touch the ground or prostrate themselves every time . This means it can be hard for those of us who cross from sinister to dexter (left to right). Well, that was OK though. There were two monasteries there, both women’s monasteries, one that looked from Europe, and the other from Eritrea. [3.30.04: They are not actually a monastery from Eritrea; they simply dress in traditional garb. The other monastery is the Our Lady of Kazan Skete] They had different habits, but seemed cool. Anyway, the people with whom I had dinner were very nice. The choir is excellent, and the service was beautiful. They prostrate to icons more then we; we only prostrate to the Blessed Sacrament. But, we have saints shrines also. I have come to the conclusion that if one understands the “theory,” or the reasons behind why we do everything, then you can go to the Eastern Church and understand most of the ritual. It makes it very convenient; I still feel slightly awkward, but not as bad as if I had no clue what was happening.
{Friday}Bah. You know when you study up on something, bound and determined to do it right, despite it being your first experience? OK, maybe not, but that is what I did before going to St. Seraphims. I am familiar with parts of their tradition, but not some parts, so I read a lot, and didn’t want to do anything wrong. But, of course…So, on Friday (Great and Holy Friday), I went to the 3PM service at church, where they bring in the shroud for veneration. I know in the Orthodox church that there are certain things a non-Orthodox Christian is not permitted to do, such as receive the Eucharist (which makes much sense, actually). While speaking, Father asked, “All Orthodox-Christians” to humbly venerate this shroud. I had no clue what I was doing, except I was trying to do it all right. So, I came up with the idea of asking someone who knew something what I should do. Now, I could have asked the Eritrean monks, but they don’t speak English well. I also could have asked one of the cassocked men, but I was waaay too shy (deacons, sub-deacons, readers, and priests wear cassocks), especially since they all seemed to be doing something. Of course, I have met NO ONE at this church yet (except I was introduced to Fr. Lawrence), but I see a young man a few years older than myself in the line for veneration. I have seen him at all of the services, and he wears not a cassock, but a long white robe with a cross emblazoned on the back. I am unfamiliar with the robes, so I figure he is probably just a participant in the service (although, now that I think, I never had seen him do anything). So, I walk up to him and tap him on the shoulder, at which point he nearly jumped out of his skin (at which point, I should have put something together). But, I quietly lean close to his ear (it is dead quiet in the room, and I do not need to make noise), and whisper my question, “Sir, are non-Orthodox Christians permitted to venerate this shroud?” The look on his face should have told me that I had done something wrong, or maybe his semi-shocked, “Uh…no, no they are not.” But I can be slow. Anyway, I walked back over to where I had been standing, prepared to remain there for the next 20 or 30 minutes until everyone had dispersed, and I would do likewise. Anyway, he came back over and said he was wrong, and that I could. I don’t know who he asked, or if he knew, but was shocked and so answered wrong. Anyway, he apologized about 4 more times in the next hour while we ate dinner. So, what did I do wrong? [Well, he had been recently baptized (hence the robe) and thought I was doubting that or making some rude comment.] So….yeah. I feel stupid. Now I owe him the apology. Embarrassing. I feel stupid…

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 10:02 PM on [+] ::

Doubts

Well, tonight I go to St. Seraphims. Actually, BreeAnna called some friends of hers who go there, and they called me, and I am going over to their house before service to eat dinner with them, then we are all going over to the Great and Holy Thursday service. It should be really good. I was over there briefly for a service of the Eucharist today, since it is the last day to sanctify it before the Paschatide of Christ. It is a small, but beautiful church. I am not sure what the address is, but I know they have a home page, and the church is called St. Seraphims, and is in Santa Rosa…
I have also had the (un)fortunate coincidence of running into some of the Episcopalians in the small town in which I live. It is so sad, and sears my heart more than my words can express to watch the apostasy and liberalization of such a fine church. What are they doing?! Well, let me phrase for those who do not know, that Blessed Sacrament is a very conservative Episcopalian Church, while all of the churches up here are very liberal. Over Christmas, I had the “privilage” of attending Mass at Grace Cathedral, in San Francisco. Bishop Swing (the Californian bishop) was celebrating, and spoke afterword. It was very depressing to hear him address the state of the church, and to hear him describe small, conservative churches like BS as “the end of a cul-de-sac, a truly outdated and narrow church.” He said that churches like ours are dying and will soon stop. Well, he clearly has never been to our church; it is alive as alive can be.
I really wonder what that man believes. He is a bishop, which would make one think he is religious; but he led in prayers to Buddha, Mohommad, and other interesting characters during the “Eucharistic” prayer. He goes from churches like Grace, and then comes down and sees us at a church like BS. I wonder what he really believes? I mean, he can’t hold the opinions of both churches, so…well, I know that I am commanded to pray for him, and do so regularly. God help him.
I also wonder about one more thing…what should I do? I love Church, as it is plainly obvious. I really do. But I look at the Episcopal church, and I weep. Really, my heart breaks for it. We are Christ’s Church, His Bride! What are we doing? Recently, there was a vote defeating a proposal to make it illegal for married cleargy to have extra-marital affairs. I mean, this was defeated by a council of bishops! This really makes me question so much. Firstly, let me be clear in that there is nothing liberal about my church. But I fear as a catechumen, what I may be getting catechized into…the downright, inexcusable apostasy of the church is a blemish. I fear; I will talk to my priest, but I am actually considering to cease being a catechumen…I don’t know, the state of the church scares me, and I take religion very seriously now. I know the Bible says that the “nations” will be judged by God as nations; so why wouldn’t this apply to denominations? It is scary, very scary.
As far as my research shows (and it is relatively extensive), in the 1970’s, the Episcopalian church split. There was a strong liberal movement in the church, and so many of the conservatives left. It seems as though the conservative priests had a few options. Some became Roman Catholic priests (even possible for the married ones due to certain exceptions), some did what our church did, and remained conservative in the pressure of the liberal tide (but they are in danger of dying out), some joined small splinter groups, such as the Episcopal Synod of America and the Anglo-Catholic Church, but many went to Eastern Orthodoxy. There are a good number of former Episcopalian priests who are now Eastern Orthodox priests; Bree’s priest was an Episcopalian priest, there is one whom I read about online, and even the Bishop of the Orthodox Church of America, Kalistos Ware, was a former Episcopalian priest…it seems like the thing to do when leaving a bubble of conservative Anglicanism, realizing that the bubble is not everywhere, but that the Orthodox don’t have the battle of “liberal” and “conservative.” Just some thoughts. May the Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on me, a sinner.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 4:43 PM on Thursday, April 24, 2003 [+] ::

The Religion Wars Settle Down

He is risen!
Well, I am still at home as I type this. It is nice here, but I am having an…uh…interesting time attempting to explain my religion to my parents. My dad seems to think I have gone Roman Catholic, while my mom seems to understand a little better. After getting ripped on in church the other day, I went and looked around for Biblical defenses of some of the things I believed. I found them, and they help me, although I will never be able to share them with people who are all so irrationally opposed to my religion. But I did get a good quote from my friend. Again, she is Eastern Orthodox, and was feeling slightly persecuted coming to a Protestant school like Biola. She wrote to her priest, and asked what she should do, and here is what he wrote back:

YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE. THANK GOD. I SUGGEST YOU BE YOURSELF.

AND YOU ARE A PERSON PROUD OF YOUR HOLY FAITH SO BE PROUD. NEVER HIDE
ANYTHING. MAKE YOUR CROSS WHEN YOU PRAY. WE SEEK HUMILITY SO WE AREN’T
TALKING ABOUT BROADCASTING BUT BEING AUTHENTIC TO WHAT WE ARE.

I find this very encouraging, and it helps a lot.
Anyway, since I missed my Holy Week celebrations in LA, I am going to some Eastern Orthodox ones here. There is a small church here called St. Seraphim’s, and Bree knows some people here. So, she called them and they invited me over to dinner at their house, then a ride over to the Great Thursday service. Otherwise, I checked out the church yesterday. It seems pretty cool; very Eastern Orthodox, and beautiful inside. I met the priest, Fr. Lawrence. He seemed…very priestly. I mean, there is a certain ambience about priests that is just not there in pastors. Go meet an Orthodox priest if you don’t believe me, especially if you are from a Protestant background. Anyway, he seemed nice. So, I will go to vespers on Thursday, and hopefully more stuff on Friday (if my parents let me). Well, if you have been praying about the religious thing here, thank you, since it seems to be going very well. I am learning and growing a lot, and the people around me seem to slowly be accepting my religion as in intricate part of who I have become. God bless, and if you have any things you want me to pray about, well, send them to me. Christ in our midst.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 11:42 AM on Wednesday, April 23, 2003 [+] ::

He is risen!
He is risen indeed!

Happy Easter! Yes, it has finally come. 40 days of Lent, then three of strict fast. Then the sun rose; Christ rose; hope lives! We have life and hope and joy again (not to mention, food!). It is truly wonderful to celebrate Easter!
The focus of this post is really not all about Easter, however, but about something else…I went to my church last night for a Saturday evening service, and today for a Sunday morning service. Arg. See, I have started covering my head when I go to church; it says so in the Bible, and it is just one of those respect things. I also am in the habit of crossing myself at certain times (like after we pray, and when I enter and all), and genuflecting (but since there is no Blessed Sacrament, I did remember not to do so), and other such things. Well, I really can’t at church. It is a really hard tear. I am never sure if I will embarrass someone, or they will think I am crazy if I tell them about my church. But then, I love church soooo much (notice this blog) that I cannot help but to talk about it when someone asks me about Southern California. When they ask me how I like school, I say, “I really am having a good time with school and church.” I am not sure how much my Mom has told all of them, but it is not really enough. Most let me alone, or didn’t notice that I would cross myself. They did notice the head covering, but most just thought it was an Easter thing. But then at the end of service, a young man who plays the drums (yes, we have drums in church) for music came up and asked me how I liked my church. I said it was very good; he asked me what kind it was. What was I supposed to do? Lie? No, I can’t, especially not about church. So I said it was a type of Episcopalian church; this is factually true, since it is called “Blessed Sacrament Episcopal Church.” But it was not really true, so I said we worshiped in a High Church style. Very mockingly, expecting me to deny it, he asked, “Oh, like those weird Catholics who go to Confession and all that stuff.” Again, I can’t lie, especially when the religion and church I love is being mocked to my face. I was very polite, but I said, “Yes, I go to confession.” He thought I was joking, and started laughing until he realized I was serious. It just went down hill from there. His mother and he started talking to me at the same time, saying that I may have prayed, but I couldn’t hear God, and that I worshipped idols, prayed to demons, was crucifying Christ each service, and that I didn’t believe the Bible, and that I was really worshipping a priest by going to confession. Mostly, it was a ambush. I couldn’t get a word in edge-wise to defend myself. The other problem is that the people with whom I was speaking were speaking very LOUDLY in the church, and pretty much everyone heard. The comment that hurt the most was the one about me choosing a church. The woman said [she will remain nameless] that I may have prayed about it, but that I thought I could do it all myself, and so I just prayed, and didn’t care what God thought, and didn’t listen to God or good advise, and that I was doing this all on my own, and that I shouldn’t be in their church (note I have gone to my home church my whole life, and longer than the two of them combined), since I was just ignoring God. I have not been personally offended or hurt in a discussion of such type in as long as I remember. I was really not very happy. Why did they do that? Why did they bash my religion? The problem was that the facts they were bashing were significantly more Roman Catholic than I will ever be, and that they were just bashing religion. The young man actually got out a Bible, and started waving it at me. Do they think I don’t believe it? They kept saying they couldn’t believe that I was just ignoring God and the Bible and the church, and that I should think and pray about what I was doing (as if I am not?). It was really not too fun. The only good part is that it only lasted about 5 minutes before my mom came up and told me it was time to go. The problem is that I will have to see them again, and knowing them, they will not let me either forget it or explain myself.
So, what am I to do? Forget the religion that I love when I come here? But this is a church! I mean, I am worshipping the same God as they are; I believe the Creeds (I think I am one of the few who even knows the creeds here!); I believe most everything they do; but I am frustrated that I can’t explain myself, and get harassed by some of my friends who won’t hear me out. Am I to stop my religion? Am I to act as though I am like them? Am I not to cross myself? Well, I see that as wrong. I mean, I shouldn’t have to hide my religion in a church. It is just really akward; I want them to still like me, but I want to be religious. It is hard; harder than I ever imagined. I am really torn; please pray for me? God bless, and have a wonderful Easter Week!

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 8:51 PM on Sunday, April 20, 2003 [+] ::

[This was to be posted on 4.19.03, but I couldn't get it on-line, so...]

So, yesterday, I came home. I mean, I had been planning it for a few weeks, but yesterday I drove all day to get here. Now I am in Sebastopol, CA, which is about 60 miles north of San Francisco. It was funny. My parents had no clue I was coming home. No one was home when I arrived, but when they came home, I ran down the hall and jumped out, yelling, “Happy Easter!” My dad jumped about a foot, and my mom screamed and looked panicked. It was good; it was worth it. >:-P Anyway, now I am at home for Easter rather than at church. It was a really hard decision to make, but I figured that as much as I love my church, I needed to be home for Easter with my family. I knew it was very important to them that I was here, and so I came home.
Anyway, on Maundy Thursday, I got to be at church quite a bit. I got there at about 6AM on Thursday morning for a Tenebrae service. It was really cool. We came in while it was still dark, and there were only 7 candles lit in the church. There were about 14 people, and we sat in the sanctuary, where the choir usually sits. We had 6 readings by a reader, and anti-phonal psalms readings. At the end of each reading, a candle was extinguished. In the end, there was only one candle left in the church (so it was hard to read), and then there was a loud crash, and it was “hidden.” Then we all left the church in silence. Really good.
In the evening, I went to confession. It was my first confession, and let me tell you: confession is not easy. But I will talk about confession in a later post. There was a service at 7:30 that evening, which was the first service of the Easter celebration. We sang some hymns, prayed, and had the general beginning of a Sunday Mass. After the readings and the sermon, however, there was a foot washing. The two priests washed the feet of 6 randomly chosen people from the congregation. Then we made peace, and took an offering. We had a normal Sunday Eucharist service, but after we had all taken the Eucharist, the excess was not consumed (usually the celebrant finishes all of the excess Eucharist after all the people have had theirs).
When we were done, we had a procession of the Blessed Sacrament. Because we cannot have “Mass” (consecration of the elements) during Good Friday or Holy Saturday, we had to pre-sanctify elements. Anyway, the Sacrament is placed in a monstrance, and paraded around the church representing Jesus being amongst the people. It was beautiful; the solemnity of the procession, the holiness of the moment. It was so holy, I cannot accurately describe it in words. As the paraded around the nave of the church, each time the Sacrament passed us, we bowed deeply. Then it was placed on the Altar of Repose, followed by all of the candles in the church. The children all came forward and stripped the altar; everything removable from the church was taken out. The light that always represents the presence of the Sacrament was removed. That is when I just had to stare in shock, silenced by the holiness of the moment. Once the church was all stripped, we left. It was dark, and silent. We all made a full prostration to the Sacrament as we passed before it leaving the church. It was weird; here I was with my friends, and people I knew, and we were standing around outside of the church after service in silence. We formed little circle-like groups, where normally there would be talking, but it was dead quiet. The holiness of the moment was overwhelming. People stayed all night; I had to go home to get ready to leave in the morning. The vigil is continuing even now, as I am sure there are people there as I type this, praying on this Holy Saturday. God bless, and may you have a holy Easter. May the Lord, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost bless you. Kyrie.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 8:33 PM on [+] ::

God is Great!

Praise the Lord, for He is indeed great!
OK, a word of wisdom from the wise: don’t make deals with God. I have been “planning” to go to Confession since Lent started. By this, I mean I vaguely had the concept in the back of my mind, and even prepared a list of my sins (lots and lots of them) to bring with me when I went. But I hadn’t done the practical things, like print them, or set up a time to actually go. I guess it was kind of like something I wanted to look like I may do without actually doing it. So, last night in my evening prayers, I told God if I could get a ride to confession, I would go. This was not even a remote possibility; I can’t just ask someone to drive 30 minutes for no purpose for them, and anyway, you can’t just go up to someone and say, “Hi. Can I get a ride to Confession?” I mean, it is kind of a one person thing. While I prayed about it, I had already made up my mind that it was logistically impossible, and I couldn’t go. Then, just a few seconds ago, Bree called (an Eastern Orthodox friend), and asked…something…funny, when we started talking, she said she was just bored, and didn’t really have a reason to call. Anyway, she asked if I had gone to confession yet (she goes during Lent, also). I said no, but I didn’t really plan to go, although I was prepared. She asked when Confession was, and I said that it was tonight. She offered me a ride. It was weird; like something that I didn’t even bother to hope for, although I prayed about it. I mean, she doesn’t go to my church, and she doesn’t have any thing to do in Placentia; but she said she would come, and would give me a ride to Confession…weird…I mean, such an answer to prayer that I was kind of spooked. Really, there is no reason for her to have called, had a car this weekend, had the time to go, even wanted to go (her Pascha isn’t for another week), and that Fr. David is hearing confessions tonight. Weird…
So, the moral of this story is that God is Great, and will have His Will carried out. Also, prayer is powerful, since God cares. I mean, God really cares; this is something I need to do, and it is more than just a giant coincidence that it all worked out, at the very last minute, when I had given up on hoping for it. I prayed, and asked for a way so I could go. I got so great of an answer…God is awesome. Let me never forget. Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 1:46 PM on Thursday, April 17, 2003 [+] ::

Hangin’ with Wesley
Wow. I have nothing to do. Well, I am meeting Wesley in a few minutes in Sigma lobby. We will probably go do something fun, as that is what we are prone to do when left to our own devises. It will involve music. Phillip is coming, and he is bringing Emily (his guitar), so we will at least get some singing in to this evening. We may go to the park and cavort, or we may just sit here and watch a movie. I think we even have enough cars that if we wanted to go somewhere, we could do that too. Wesley is great. We like to do stuff like this. We will have fun together outside of session; relax together, hang out, and enjoy. I just need to get to bed early. I think I have a ride to church, but I need to be across campus at 5:30 so that I can get there…that means I need to be up by 5AM! Arg. Well, it is a ride to church, so there are no complaints here. I get to go, so I am happy. Thank you, Lord. Have a good Maundy Thursday, everyone. Go and the Lord go with you. Kyrie.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 8:42 PM on Wednesday, April 16, 2003 [+] ::

It is morning now, and I am awake. I cannot say the same for my beloved Wesley. I know all of the ladies (8 of them, minus me) pulled an all-nighter in Abby’s room to finish City of God. I also know most (if not all) of the Dante ladies did the same thing. I am sure our gentlemen did similar all-nighters, but I haven’t spoken with them yet to know.
I am kind of bummed out today. I was supposed to go to Mass at church with a friend, but she pulled an all-nighter trying to finish, and she has a test in an hour. We were going to go to Mattins, and so I skipped my math class (not a good idea if you are a math major). It is the first time I have eve missed class, though, so I hope it will be OK. Well, since I didn’t go to Mass, I have not much to do…I am done with my reading until after break, and I am in Abby’s room as I write this, so no math book or stuff…Well, then this post isn’t at all theological, but just ego-centric.
I will write briefly about the line on which I believe Anglicanism stands in relation to the communion of the catholic church (catholic = “universal”). We technically Protestant, with some on the two extremes of the church, which it has historically called “evangelical” (more Protestant) and “Anglo-Catholic” (more Roman Catholic). We all disown the Pope, and hold Mass in English. No one holds to “transubstantiation” per se, but we all hold to the literal presence of Christ in the Eucharist. Confession is not mandatory for forgiveness, but it is nearly “mandatory” for its own sake in the Anglo-Catholic church. I come from the Anglo-Catholic side of the issue (strongly), so that is where most of my writings find their base. Although we do not regularly say them, I know no one in our church would be adverse to Hail Mary’s, or Rosaries; in fact, the “store” sells them. There are no iconoclasts in my church, and there are saints to whom we ask intercession in the corners of the church. If a Roman Catholic came to Mass, he would find no problem understanding and following our service; a Protestant could also survive a service generally unscathed, assuming he had some help. The only part the RC would struggle with is the Eucharist. Not only do we not have transubstantiation (although we do elevate and consecrate the elements), but the priest will put the wafer into our hands , and we drink the wine. Otherwise, it is a similar ceremony.
Anyway, I will continue in my reading up on history and theology. Right now, I am reading a book called “The Anglican Tradition,” which talks about the split from the RC’s in the 1500’s. Very interesting. The funniest part is when they were mentioning that the Anglicans adopted Sola Scriptura (Bible only) with the Protestants (not necessarily true any longer; we have three pillars, in this order: Scripture, Tradition, Reason). Then quoted some early bishop, saying, “We believe in the sole authority of all 77 books…” I actually laughed out loud. My Protestant friends, there are only 66 books in your Bible, and the entire modern interpretation of Sola Scriptura is to eliminate the Apocryphal books from scripture. Hilarious how things change. God bless, and have a blessed Holy Week.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 12:48 PM on [+] ::

Holy Week


I finished St. Augustine! Yeah! Now, I just have to worry about Holy Week.
So, Holy Week is the week leading up to Easter, or Resurrection Sunday, when Jesus rose from the dead. The days with special names are Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Resurrection (Easter) Sunday. This will be just about the names of each of the days, and not specifically the masses celebrated on them.
The first is Palm Sunday (Passion Sunday). In St. John’s Gospel, he writes; “12On the next day much people that were come to the feast, when they heard that Jesus was coming to Jerusalem, 13Took branches of palm trees, and went forth to meet him, and cried, Hosanna: Blessed is the King of Israel that cometh in the name of the Lord.” (John 12:12,13). So, Jesus was coming into Jerusalem, and was hailed as a King. Keep in mind the irony of this as we approach the rest of the week…
Maundy Thursday (also called “Holy” or “Green” Thursday; if you find out why “Green” Thursday, please tell me!) gets its the name "Maundy" comes from the words of Jesus, "Mandatum novum," where he tells His disciples, “A new commandment [mandatum novum] I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” (John 13:34) Starting in the 4th century, it was view as being the last day of the Lenten Fast (of course, then you fast on Good Friday and Holy Saturday anyway, but…). It is the night that Jesus instituted the Eucharist in the upper room, before he was taken away. It is also the night that He asked His disciples to “watch one hour” (Mark 14:37) with Him and pray while in Gethsemane, so we will stay up all night praying…but more about Church celebrations in a later blog…(including stripping the altar, foot washing, Tenebrae, &c)
Good Friday was the day that Jesus actually hung on the cross and died. It is called “Good” because, well, in the end it is good that he died for us. But this is the day of mourning for the Church. It is the only day of black vestments in the church, and all of the things not covered in Lenten purple become covered in black. There are stations, then vespers (evening prayer). The candles are extinguished, and it is generally depressing. It is a service of shadows, and vespers ends in the dark, in a black church in mourning. It is Friday, but Sunday will come.
Holy Saturday is another day of mourning. I couldn’t find a good reason for calling it “Holy” other than it occurs in “Holy Week.” It is a day for confessions (at least at my church), with ante-communion (before-communion) served in the morning. Because it is a season of morning, now new bread or wine can be sanctified, so we use pre-sanctified Eucharist, which has been sanctified before (in other words, blessed) mourning, so we can take it. This is a day where we remember those who died before Christ’s return, and the Holy Martyrs and Saints. That night starts the Great Vigil of Easter. It will be prayer and reading of the Gospel accounts of Jesus. Then, sunrise will come. It is not Easter Sunday.
Hallelujah! He is risen! He is risen indeed! It is now Easter Sunday, the day of rejoicing. Jesus, who was once dead, is now alive again! This is what we have been longing for. There is controversy over the epistemology of the word “Easter;” some say it gets its name from the pagan goddess Ashera, another goddess Oestre, and some even say from the German “Ostern,” which means “Eastern” (think sunrise). No matter, it is still the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ that occurred on that day. Because of this name controversy, many call it Resurrection Sunday, or in the East, Pascha, Either way, it is the feast, where there is no more Lenten fast! Yeah! I get to eat again! God bless, and have a blessed Holy Week. Kyrie.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 11:05 PM on Tuesday, April 15, 2003 [+] ::

My own depravity, and my Wesley's forgiveness

So much to write...Well, it is Holy Week this week, but I will go into that significance at a later time. First, about the depravity of man; specifically, my own depravity and how it came into play this weekend.
In Torrey (the program I am in), we are divided into “groups” of about 20 students; there are four groups in each grade, and these are the students with whom we will take at least 44 units with over 2 years. In other words, we are with these people all the time. Well, at this time of year, the freshman (that’s me) have a day called Freshman Initiatives, where we work on teamwork. We had this last weekend.
My group, Wesley, thought we were very close, but didn’t know how much closer we could get. We are 16 freshman, with one junior (who is there to make up credits, so he didn’t come). The day started with a lecture about how we are smart, but not emotionally aware. After lunch, we went to play games. The first two were classic group builders; getting everyone over a string (or under/through), and getting everyone across a “lava pit” using a few “stones” to stand on. The third game was what really impacted me, however.
I will start by saying that I have always thought of myself as smart. Having gone to a public school my whole life until now, I was usually one of the smartest people I knew. I also tend to be on the more proud side. I have known this for some time, but pride is a sin that I am doomed to struggle with forever. Anyway…
They divided the 16 of us into 4 groups of 4, and gave us a deck of cards. I was already thinking about how lame just a card game could be. They then handed us a brief (4) list of rules, and told us we had a minute to read them, with NO TALKING during the game. Our rules were easy; get tricks by playing cards of the same suit as the first; the most tricks wins; 2’s trump all other cards; 2 of clubs starts play. Simple. Very. We are in an honors college; I thought they were being patronizing. Anyway, we finished a round in about 2 minutes, and I had lost. So, I moved to the “losers” table, not really into the game anymore. I am highly competitive, and loosing even a game of luck bugs me a little.
So, Lisa (another Wesleyan) was dealing at the next table. No problem. Half-heartedly, I arranging my cards when Phillip puts down a 4 of hearts. I look at him like he is crazy, and shove it back at him (we aren’t allowed to talk). He cocks his head and looks at me funny, but I continue to organize. I put down a two of clubs to start play. We go in a circle, and since the 2 should trump everything, I reach for the trick at the end of the round. Phillip’s hand was there first. I am getting slightly irritated. Hadn’t he read the rules?
This is when epiphany number one hit. Hard. Phillip, like me, is at Torrey because he is smart. He does not read something as simple as card rules, and forget in 2 minutes. He also does not cheat at cards. It hit me like a ton of bricks. He had been given a different set of rules! All I had to do now was educate him in the way I had learned.
He has, (he is a gentleman) given me the trick at this point, but now my face lights up, as I try to say without words that our rules are different. I keep holding a “2” above an ace, trying to show that it is higher. Finally, by the end of the round, the other 3 players are very confused, and just let me decide who gets the trick.
Well, I won that game, and moved up a table. At the next table, knowing now that the rules are different, I again try to enlighten people as to my rules. But now there are people from four sets of rules at the same table; chaos ensues, but I keep insisting I am right.
Now that I look back on it, I am ashamed in a deep way. Not only had it never really occurred to me (and I do not joke) that there are smart people beside me, who can be counted on to do their part. Phillip knew the rules he had read; why didn’t I trust him? Why did he trust me instead? Would I have ever trusted him? The second part is worse. I was trying to win a stupid card game against my Wesley. I mean, this is my Wesley. These people see my 7 days a week, at my worst and best. They know me as well as I know myself. No one in the group uses the word “I” anymore in conversation; we are always a “we.” But I was trying to win. How ego-centric can I be? There wasn’t even a prize! I was just trying to win so that I could feed my pride! I wanted to be right so badly that I made the game almost impossible to play! I had to be right, and everyone else was wrong. No matter how smart they were, they were wrong because I was right. But these people were my Wesley. They don’t really care how I act; they love me because I am me.
Well, I apologized to them. It will be different now. I realize there are smart people beside me. Really smart people, 15 of whom I happen to be surrounded with for the better part of every day. We are closer now. Yes, we will always be aware of group dynamics, but this weekend, we learned a lot. Wesley, I love you, and I thank you that you love me despite my faults. God bless you.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 12:02 AM on [+] ::

Confession
Blech. I hate being sick. Mostly, I hate the fever. So, I feel ornery and justified in my complaints. I am kind of irritated that I won’t get to go to church during the end of Holy Week. That’s the week before Easter, with Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday, and Easter Sunday. I will be leaving for home on Good Friday, I think, or maybe on Maundy Thursday. On Thursday, what I would like (like?) to do is go to confession. OK, so maybe that’s not true, but I should go to confession.
Confession is one of the Sacraments (there are 7) in the Roman Catholic church. Lucky for me, I am not Roman Catholic. But it is still one of the 5 “minor” sacraments in our church. The two real sacraments are the Eucharist and Baptism, and the five “minor” ones being Extreme Unction, Orders, Matrimony, Confirmation, and Penance. Penance, or the Roman Catholic “Reconciliation of a Penitent” is more commonly called Confession. It is not needed for salvation in any way, but is one of those things that is still really good to have. Think about it like chocolate. Sure, it is not necessary in life, but it sure is a nice thing to have around. Anyway, confession involves telling a priest your sins. I have not actually done it (as I am new at this catechumen thing), but am preparing to do so. I cannot tell you how utterly frightening the experience is. For all you Protestants who have never done this, try listing all of your sins you have ever ever ever committed. Not only do you have to list these, but now you have to go tell them to a priest. Yikes! Well, maybe for you it isn’t so bad, but for me it is terrifying. Anyway, I have heard from my friend that it is a really good thing (she is Eastern Orthodox, which I will discuss in another post). I fear judgment from the priest, however. Of course, I know Fr. David (my priest) has heard confessions for longer than I have been alive, and that nothing I say will be shocking, but still…Confession is traditionally done on Maundy Thursday (or before) in the Anglican Church, and also during other penitential seasons (those being Lent and Advent). Anyway, that is what confession is. I challenge you then to make one; go to a Roman Catholic church on a Saturday (when they usually hear confessions there), and anonymously confess to a priest; In his epistle, St. James tells us this is a good thing, so try it sometime. (OK, if actually doing it is too hard, at least make a list of sins as though preparing to do it…you will see what I mean). God bless, and may He have mercy upon me, a sinner.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 2:59 PM on Friday, April 11, 2003 [+] ::

My doings today

Well, I survived session, despite being sick. We had Dr. McReynolds. She is really good; except that she thinks I am smart. So, she teases me about it. But see, today, I had nothing to say. I could barely keep my eyes open. I left for a few minutes at one point because I couldn’t even follow the conversation.
Oh, but my friends love me. I told one person I was sick, and she went and brought me lunch. Of course, it is Lent, so neither of the two of us are eating more than one meal a day, and when we do eat it is vegan. So, anyway, she brought me a big plate of mashes potatoes, and some corn and peas, and a cup of tomato soup. So nice! It was great. I will eat it in a while for dinner. It will be good. It is nice to have friends, and people to care, especially when you are away from home and sick for the first time.
Well, Wesley really is my family. I love them, and they love me. That’s what they are about. It is nice to have people who care, and who will put up with you even when you are barely conscious in session. We almost got onto the topic of praying to the saints today, but decided to steer clear of it, since there were only 5 minutes left. Mr. Leigh was very ready to delve in, and since it is a topic I love (as much as he), I am glad we did not do it on a day when I was too tired to participate. Hopefully next time, or some other time when I am awake.
I went to a meeting of all (5) Torrey Math Majors today. I do not know what I will do about my major. They said that I needed some upper division before I could decide, and that they all loved what they were doing. It was for myself and Christy, who just made Torrey as a sophomore. She will join my class, hopefully Wesley, next semester. But we are both looking at the number of needed units, and looking at math, and seeing how different math and Torrey are, and are really not sure what we will do. Prayer is good. Very good. God bless, and may He have mercy on us all.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 7:14 PM on Thursday, April 10, 2003 [+] ::

Sacraments and Symbols

As I sit here, fighting the fever crawling over my skin, I am drawn to think about sacraments and symbols. As a bad Christian, I need sacraments; if I were good, I would only need symbols.
I don’t always feel as I should when I pray. For example, this morning, I am barely able to stay awake, yet I know I need to do my morning prayers and meditations. If prayers and meditations are symbolic, then I would need to be awake and fully in the spirit of them before I started them. But because they are sacramental, I can start them half asleep, and trust that they still have the same power. On a note of clarification, I am not saying that prayers are really sacramental, but rather trying to show how they work qua prayers, rather than based on my feelings.
When I prayed as a Protestant, off the top of my head, talking to “Jesus my girlfriend,” I would run out of words to say, not have the right words, or just get plain distracted. Now I know I have a litany to go through, exactly what I am going to say, and how long my prayers will take. It helps me to focus, not be distracted, and not feel “guilty” that I did not pray long enough or good enough. Reading back over this, it sounds as though I am advocating for the Pharisees, sacraments without meaning; but I am not, I am saying that I am a bad Christian, and need concrete reminders and “formulas” to help me to see God.
Well, if I offend any of you good Christians (Protestants who don’t need such elementary devises), I apologize. But, this is how it is for me. Anyway, God bless, and pray that I get healthy enough to finish classes until Easter break…Kyrie Eleison.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 10:40 AM on [+] ::

I don’t really want to go back to reading St. Augustine, so I think I will just stay here and write for a while. So I was reading a friend’s resume on BUBBS, and I came across this quote. She says that someone from her church said it (which happens to be the same church I attend). It is really profound, in an interesting kind of way. It is also sad.

“The question I am asking myself is this:

Whose interpretations of scripture should I trust:

1) Ignatius, Clement of Rome, Justin Martyr, Polycarp, Irenaeus, Origen, Clement of Alexandria, Tertullian, Cyril of Jerusalem, Basil the Great, Augustine of Hippo, John Chrysostom, Athanasius, Ambrose of Milan, Cyprian of Carthage, Ephraim of Syria, Gregory of Nazianzen, Hillary of Poiters, Hippolytus, Jerome, John of Damascus, and Leo the Great;
men who studied the scriptures in their original context and languages (or maybe the Greek OT) and were in apostolic succesion.

(Ignatius, Clement of Rome, and Polycarp knew Jesus' disciples personally)

OR

2) Darby, Schofield, and Chafer; a couple of 19th/20th century Anglo-Americans”

I mean, how many Protestants are building their faith on the writing of these three modern men (one of whom, Charles Darby, many consider a cultist) who are so far removed from the apostles? Newsflash: Martin Luther believed in transubstantiation! I mean, modern day Protestants are taking it a little too far with their “let’s be different” idea. Yes, I think the Reformation was a good thing (notice I am not Roman Catholic), but we have exaggerated it to indefensible lengths. As the good old (Baptist) hymn goes, “Gimme that old-time religion.” Yeah, I want the stuff that the saints believed: none of these modern inventions of man. I want to know that when I take the Eucharist, I am taking the same Body and Blood of Christ as did the greats whose glorious illumination reaches even me through their writings. I want the connection and the reassurance that I am not the first one to do this.
OK, enough of my Protestant rantings…as a disclaimer (or maybe just to infuriate you), I will say that I do believe Protestants and Roman Catholics and Eastern Orthodox and Anglican Christians to be saved. Maybe there are a few who drop off at the ends (in fact, I can think of many in each of the four but for EO’s) and are truly heretical. But, for the most part, they are Christian.
I will leave you with this: The Roman Catholics told the people to read everything but the Bible. The Protestants told the people to read the Bible, but nothing else. Which is worse? You tell me.
Kyrie Eleison
Christe Eleison
Kyrie Eleison

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 7:52 PM on Wednesday, April 09, 2003 [+] ::

I have been reading St. Augustine for the last few hours. So I decided to take a break. I do so just so I don’t lose concentration completely. I have been going to Blessed Sacrament for how long now? Pretty much since I got to school here…Anyway, I know they have a monthly mailer that they send out, and other fun information. It occurred to me last night that I had never gotten any of this information. So, I called them and gave them my address, and hopefully now I will get their mailers. Cool. I just hope that the secretary understood me right; probably not, and so I will receive one of those “Welcome” packets we all love to get from churches. Actually, BS does not have a welcome packet, but still…
Arg. I am really trying to decide on a major. Right now, I am a math major, but it is a lot of units and work, and really hard. I mean, I love it when we are learning it, but the homework and tests are hard. I also don’t like the idea of staying in a room all day by myself doing math. Not only is it not a social job, but it is very cloistered. Not something I would like. Also, with Torrey being so liberal-arts like, it is hard to make the jump from reading heavy philosophy and theology to doing calculus. It is difficult, and I am not sure that I like math enough to continue to pursue it for the next four years. I am really not sure what I should do. As I pray about it, will you do so likewise? Thank you, and God bless.
Lord God, almighty and everlasting Father, you have brought us in safety to this new day: Preserve us with your mighty power, that we may not fall into sin, nor be overcome by adversity; and in all we do direct us to the fulfilling of your purpose; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 1:43 PM on [+] ::

Lt. Col. Tim Collins, 1st Battalion of the Royal Irish
Address to his troops in Kuwait.
22 March 2003

We go to liberate not to conquer. We will not fly our flags in their country. We are entering Iraq to free a people and the only flag which will be flown in that ancient land is their own. Show respect for them.

There are some who are alive at this moment who will not be alive shortly. Those who do not wish to go on that journey, we will not send. As for the others I expect you to rock their world. Wipe them out if that is what they choose. But if you are ferocious in battle remember to be magnanimous in victory.

Iraq is steeped in history. It is the site of the Garden of Eden, of the Great Flood and the birthplace of Abraham. Tread lightly there. You will see things that no man could pay to see and you will have to go a long way to find a more decent, generous and upright people than the Iraqis. You will be embarrassed by their hospitality even though they have nothing. Don't treat them as refugees for they are in their own country. Their children will be poor, in years to come they will know that the light of liberation in their lives was brought by you.

If there are casualties of war then remember that when they woke up and got dressed in the morning they did not plan to die this day. Allow them dignity in death. Bury them properly and mark their graves.

It is my foremost intention to bring every single one of you out alive but there may be people among us who will not see the end of this campaign. We will put them in their sleeping bags and send them back. There will be no time for sorrow.

The enemy should be in no doubt that we are his nemesis and that we are bringing about his rightful destruction. There are many regional commanders who have stains on their souls and they are stoking the fires of hell for Saddam. He and his forces will be destroyed by this coalition for what they have done. As they die they will know their deeds have brought them to this place. Show them no pity.

It is a big step to take another human life. It is not to be done lightly. I know of men who have taken life needlessly in other conflicts, I can assure you they live with the mark of Cain upon them. If someone surrenders to you then remember they have that right in international law and ensure that one day they go home to their family.

The ones who wish to fight, well, we aim to please.

If you harm the regiment or its history by over-enthusiasm in killing or in cowardice, know it is your family who will suffer. You will be shunned unless your conduct is of the highest for your deeds will follow you down through history. We will bring shame on neither our uniform or our nation.

[Regarding the use by Saddam of chemical or biological weapons] It is not a question of if, it's a question of when. We know he has already devolved the decision to lower commanders, and that means he has already taken the decision himself. If we survive the first strike we will survive the attack.

As for ourselves, let's bring everyone home and leave Iraq a better place for us having been there.

Our business now is north.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 9:40 AM on [+] ::

I got a cool skirt and shirt yesterday from my parents. They are an Easter gift. I am really not sure if I will be going up there for Easter, and I guess they wanted to make sure that I had something nice to wear on Easter Sunday. The skirt and top are of the same fabric; it is a khaki background with purple and pink flowers on it, with a few green leaves. The skirt is floor length, and has lace at four points where it is tiered. It is very full and very nice.
The war with Iraq ends today. I was walking out of the caf at around 7:05, and a friend came up and told me that they were tearing down Sadaam’s statue as we spoke. So I came over here to the Alcove, and sure enough they are tearing them down. I really hope it is over; it was a war that we really needed to fight, and I am thankful that we liberated our people, but I am happy that our boys will be able to come home. I know some of them, and I know they are ready to be back in the states.
God bless America, land that I love; Stand beside her, and guide her, through the night with Your light from above. From the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans, white with foam, God bless America, my home sweet home. God bless America, my home sweet home.
Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison, Kyrie Eleison.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 9:36 AM on [+] ::

Prayer

In case you haven’t noticed, my favorite prayer is:
Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison, Kyrie Eleison
It means, “Lord, have mercy upon us; Christ, have mercy upon us; Lord, have mercy upon us.” Think about it. Why should we pray anything else? It is the perfect way to start and finish all prayers. We need mercy. We are horribly depraved creatures, fallen from a once perfect communion with our Creator. Mercy is what we desperately need. It is the only way we are able to speak with God. It is my constant prayer.
* The best phon for this prayer is the nine-fold of the Lenten season. S92 in the 1984 Episcopal hymnal. Beautiful; not only is this my favorite prayer, but also my favorite liturgy. Pray it and mean it.

Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison, Kyrie Eleison

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 9:43 PM on Tuesday, April 08, 2003 [+] ::

What I believe:

I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible;

And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of God, begotten of his Father before all worlds, God of God, Light of Light, very God of very God, begotten, not made, being of one substance with the Father;
by whom all things were made;
who for us men and for our salvation came down from heaven, and was incarnate by the Holy Ghost of the Virgin Mary, and was made man;
and was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate;
he suffered and was buried;
and the third day he rose again according to the Scriptures, and ascended into heaven, and sitteth on the right hand of the Father;
and he shall come agian, with glory, to judge both the quick and the dead;
whose kingdom shall have no end.

And I believe in the Holy Ghost the Lord, and Giver of Life, who proceedeth from the Father and the Son;
who with the Father and the Son together is worshiped and glorified;
who spake by the Prophets.
And I believe one holy Catholic and Apostolic Church;
I acknowledge one Baptism for the remission of sins;
and I look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison, Kyrie Eleison.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 8:32 PM on [+] ::

Math Miracle

I think miracles find me. I don't deserve them. Really, I am one of the worst Christians you know. I hear myself saying the things I should not say as I am thinking that I should not say them. Christ's Mercy is great. Kyrie Eleison, Christe Eleison, Kyrie Eleison.

I had a math test last Friday. As a little background, I am a math major with an emphasis in pure math. I love theoretical math! Really, it is something I find glorious. Anyway, I had a math test in calculus. I had been studying, working hard, and really paying attention in class for the last few weeks, really trying to understand it. But, as I said, my passion is theoretical math. I really don't care about application, or real problems in math, but rather just the theory. I had not been understanding the theory behind what we are doing in calculus, and was really lost. I studied hard, and prayed, and went to take the test. Firstly, when I got to class, I realized I had forgotten my calculator (which is a math major's best friend). That freaked me out, and I was already stressing about that when I saw the test. Only 7 questions. Great. Small, but deadly. Tests are all of our grade, so you have to do well on them if you have any hope of passing. Well, I took the test and turned it in. I felt as though I had done so poorly. I did not get an answer to one of the questions, and one of them I had no clue how to do, so I put an answer, and showed no work (a bad thing on a math test; usually gets you 0 points). Anyway, that was 2 of the 7 questions. The teacher had told us there would be a certain type of problem on the test, and I never found it; I also wasn't sure about a formula I used to solve a problem. So, of the 7 questions, I was pretty sure I missed four. I was not in a good mood. I knew I was not really ready for the test, and felt really lacking.
So, right after class, I go to the prayer chapel (as usual), and kneel to pray. I go through my prayers (yeah for BCP's!), when I pause. I was just about to pray that I did well on the test, but all of a sudden I felt as though I shouldn't. It seems as though we should ask God for anything, but I just felt a really strong urge not to pray for my math test. So, I went through the rest of the prayers. It was really weird. I mean, normally, I would pray lots about it, and still be stressed out. But I really felt as though God had His hand on me and was saying, "You did all you could. Trust me. Trust me, Erica." So, I didn't pray about it. All weekend. Every time I knelt in prayer, I would want to, and every time, I would have the subtle idea that I should just trust God about it.
Well, I got the test back yesterday. I was expecting a "C." Why does God still care about me? See, I was expecting a "C." I don't trust. How many times has God come through for me? Has He ever abandon me? How could I be so stupid? But, Almighty Father, You forgive my unfaithfulness and still offer me your love. I do not understand, nor will I ever.
Well, I got a 98% on the test. But by the time I got it back, it did not matter so much anymore. I learned more from this test than calculus. Lots more. I learned that even when I am so sure I have failed, that when I do as I am called to, God will be faithful. The grade is nice; it is good for this semester, this year, this college. But the lesson I learned will last a lot longer than my knowledge of calculus. As a math major, I hate to say it, but I do not care so much about the test. It is secondary to my God. Will I ever learn to keep my eyes on Him? He is the author and finisher of my faith. How many times have I not trusted? How many times will I not trust in the future? But He forgives me.

I worship one God in Trinity, and Trinity in unity
Kyrie Eleison
Christe Eleison
Kyrie Eleison

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 8:21 PM on [+] ::

Music Miracle

We had a band festival at school all day on Friday. It was a lot of work, and I was tired by the end of the day, when we had our concert in front of about 500+ people. (I play second trombone). Anyway, I had not been in class for the rehersal previous to the concert; because the person with whom I share music had not told me anything about missing pieces, I assumed all of our music was in its folder. Once we are sitting on stage, in front of all these people, and the director tells us to get out the first piece, Randy (with whom I share a stand) said, "Oh, did you bring the Overture?" I was really confused. He continued, "Yeah, I figured you must have taken the music out to practice it and not put it back, so I was wondering if you brought it. It is not in the folder or anything." Huh? I hadn't touched the music. Now I was sitting on stage, in front of many people, and I just realized that I did not have the music to the piece I was to perform. "Randy..." I was trying not to get mad. "You are joking, right?" No. We did not have our music. So, first he ran off stage to look if he could find it. No luck. So then I run back to the music building, and tear through all of my stuff looking for it. Again, no luck. The director was still describing the piece when I got back, out of breath, and pretty stressed out. We told our section leader, who was not happy with the news (but did not yell at us or loose his patience). He told us to go find a third part and read off of it for the performance. Our director had just stopped talking about the piece, and was raising his hands to start the piece.
Ashamedly enough, this was the first point at which I though "pray." So, I said something along the lines of, "God, let us find our music." Of course, there wasn't much I was expecting to have happen. I mean, we had just looked in the music room, our bags, and all other places we ever put music. We are sitting on stage, and there is less than 15 seconds to the downbeat. I was not expecting anything. Now that I look back, I do not know why I prayed. But I did. As I sighed, I decided to look one more time in the back of the folder (the same one we had looked through 10 times already that night.) The first piece I turn to is the Overture. I just stared at it for a minute looking shocked. I mean, it is not as though there was much music in our folders; there were 8 pieces at most. It is really hard to miss a piece of music when there are only 7 other pieces in the folder. This is not some one piece of paper, but 5 or 6 full sized sheets tacked together. We should not have missed it. It wasn't in that folder the first time we looked. All four trombonists had looked through that folder multiple times for this piece. Four of us looking through one folder with only 8 pieces cannot miss a piece. But we did. Or, it was God's miracle.
I do believe that God cares about each of us, and the small concerns we have in our lives. Really.

May the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ remain with you always.
Kyrie Eleison
Christe Eleison
Kyrie Eleison

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 8:04 PM on [+] ::

In Nomeni Patri, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti

Grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you, now and always!
My name is Erica, and I am a catechumen in an Episcopalian/Anglican church here in Placentia called Blessed Sacrament. Although I was raised in an Evangelical, Protestant background, when I left for college, I found myself drawn to the High Church. There is a beauty, awe, and reverence there; the worship is holy , such as a Protestant church could never achieve (at least, none that I have attended). A few weeks ago, I decided that I wanted to be confirmed in the Anglican Tradition. This means lots of things, most of which I will go into in later posts. Anyway, this is a biography of my journey as I study to become a good Anglican.
If any of you know me, you know it doesn't take much to get me to talk about my church, and ask people if they would like to come to it sometime. There is a holiness there, and a revernece that my soul has been longing for throughout my years of growing up in a Protestant church. Anyway, since I talk about church, Anglicanism, High Church in general, and Catholic theology all too much in real life, I decided to post my thoughts and insights (as if they could be called as such) about this online. I am not trying to convert anyone (although, if you would like to come sometime, High Mass is at 10:30...;-)), but rather to simply put down my thoughts, prayers, and such so that I can reflect and remember them. I really believe God works miracles, and I will record those that He does in my life as I grow into a rich faith of my forefathers.
The Almighty and merciful Lord, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, bless and keep you from this time forth and forever more. Amen.

Forgive me,

Seraphima

Glory to God!

:: 7:50 PM on [+] ::